My Mother

(March 28, 1925 - August 21, 2015)

This picture of my mother, Margaret, was taken a couple of years before I was born.  She gave it to her fiancee, Joe, who was going off to war.  They would marry a year later when Joe was home on leave.  That was the beginning of my family.

My mother was the youngest of eight children.  When she was five, her parents divorced. Because her mother could no longer afford to feed all of her children, she had to send my mother to live at the Children's Home. She lived there for five years.

I grew up the oldest of five children.  My father was an engineer and worked at various aerospace plants over the years.  We moved to a different city and a different state every four or five years.  My mother never let on that this was something bad or difficult.  We just moved and she would join a church and make new friends and it was considered normal.

My mother was a homemaker.  She cared for all of us, she cooked every meal, sewed most of our clothes, ironed our clothes and kept our house spotless.  She was the disciplinarian and made sure we followed the rules, but I remember that we had a lot of fun, too. 

My mother was very social and nurturing.  She was always inviting lonely college and foreign students over for dinner.  It seems we nearly always had an extra person sitting down at our dinner table.  We often had cousins living with us for months at a time when their families were struggling.

We took vacations each year - crowded into our station wagon and driving cross country from wherever we happened to be living at the time.  Extended family was important and most of our social life revolved around family and church friends.  If we visited family, bedding was pulled out so that all the kids could sleep on the floor.  Bedrooms were scarce in those days.

During college, I lived on campus but in the same town as my family.  Nearly every Sunday I would bring friends home to eat dinner with my family.  My mother never acted like she minded the extra work and welcomed anyone we brought home.

 Once I graduated, married and started teaching school in another town, I would bring some of my seemingly shy and insecure elementary students to visit our family for a lively weekend.  

While I was raising my own family, we had many exchange students and would always include them in visits to my parents' home.  

Most of the time that my children were growing up, my parents lived in Arizona and we lived in Texas.  When we visited grandparents there was flat land and empty streets good for bicycle riding or skating.  There was an association swimming pool for summer or winter swimming.  There was a neighborhood playground for releasing energy.  There were desert mountains to climb via hiking trails.  And there were orange and grapefruit trees in the yard.  If we picked the oranges, my mother always made us fresh-squeezed orange juice.  Plus she would always have home made biscuits for breakfast.  And there were pallets on the floor for the kids.  

My parents never missed any of their 12 grandchildren's graduations or weddings.  They would drive from Arizona to Texas for our high school graduations.  They would drive or fly all over the country to attend college graduations and weddings of their many grandchildren.

(1989)

(1991)

(1994)

(1995)

(2001)

(2006)

(2006)

(2009)

During the 1994-95 school year, our son spent a year in Spain as an exchange student.  In March of 1995, my parents joined us on a week-long trip to visit him.  It was quite the adventure and we all had a great time.

(1995)

My father was diagnosed with early Alzheimer's in 1996.  My mother cared for him at home for over four years.  But after he began having such difficulty walking that he would fall and bring my mother down with him, she finally realized she needed help.  He was moved to a small home with 24-hour care a 15-minute drive away.  My mother still visited him and tried to help with his daily care until he died in September 2001.

His death was very hard on her, but she continued to volunteer and care for other people like she had always done.

(2015)

In March of this year, all forty-four members of my mom's family (kids, grandkids, great grandkids) assembled at the Arizona Golf Resort in Mesa, AZ to celebrate her 90th birthday.  Granny got to stay at her home, but everyone was able to walk from the resort to visit her in small groups.  The last night of our celebration we reserved a private dining room where everyone could gather together to eat and show our love and respect for our treasured matriarch.

How do you distill someone's life into a short blog post?  My mother had 90-year's worth of experiences, so of course, I was only able to highlight a few of the times I remember.  It has taken me three months since her death to be able to do this.  The last fourteen months of her life were so painful and difficult for her, which made it difficult for the rest of us to stand by, unable to do anything but watch over her and ask her doctors for help. But, that's why I needed to go back and remember all of those years of good times. 

RIP Mom.  I love you.

Sign up to receive new blog posts directly to your inbox.  Just fill in your name and e-mail address in the gray box to the left and hit the "submit" button. You will then get an e-mail asking you to confirm your e-mail address.  Once you do that, you will be signed up to receive new blog posts.

© 2007-2015 Melinda Coker

Would a One Million Dollar Reward Change Your Plan?

One morning during the recent holidays, while I was working in the kitchen, my young granddaughters sat at the breakfast table playing a game of Table Topics.  That’s a game consisting of a pile of cards with questions.  It was fun listening to them as they took turns reading the questions and then discussing their answers.

One question in particular caught my attention. “If you were offered one million dollars could you get straight A’s next year?”  Of course, both of them answered in the affirmative and said that they were already trying to make straight A’s so it probably wouldn’t make any difference.

STRAIGHT A’S

I immediately started thinking about that question as it might relate to more average students.  After all I am a former college instructor.  A high school or college student might get very motivated by that possible reward and do some things differently, such as:
1.) Really pay attention in class.
2.) Make an appointment with their teacher/professor if there was something they didn’t understand.
3.) Hire a tutor for the subjects that were more difficult for them.
4.) Make sure they were spending enough time studying and doing class assignments.
5.) Roll back on any extra curricular activities that were interfering with their study time.
6.) They would make sure they got enough sleep each school night and that they ate nutritious meals so they would be at their best in class.

NEW BUSINESS IDEA

If you’ve been thinking about getting a new job, starting a part-time business or even launching a big project, what would you do differently to pursue that goal if you were offered one million dollars to get it done in the next year?  You might take some of the following actions:
1.) Maybe you would have a new sense of urgency and wouldn’t let other things get in your way of working on it.
2.) You would really try to develop your goal and figure out exactly what you want to accomplish.
3.) You would possibly hire someone to help you, such as a coach, a mentor, a professional resume’ writer or even a graphic artist.
4.) Maybe you would take on a partner so you could share your expertise and resources and work together.
5.) You would probably make a list of all of the steps you could think of to make your project a success.

ORGANIZE YOUR HOME OR OFFICE

You may have been thinking about organizing your home or office for a couple of years, but just haven't gotten started.  If you were offered a million dollars to get it organized, you might think about the following ideas:
1.) You would probably make a specific list of exactly what you want to get organized.
2.) If you are not the organized type, you might call in a professional organizer to help you.
3.) Maybe you would purchase some plastic bins to use for sorting – the things you will keep and the things you will dispose of.
4.) Once the sorting is completed, you might decide to spruce things up a bit by purchasing some new furniture or storage units so you would be more inclined to stay neat and organized.

LOSE 20 POUNDS

I know most of you have been thinking of losing some weight but you just haven't gotten around to it. What if you were offered one million dollars to lose that extra twenty pounds in a year?  That could  be the motivation you need.  Some steps you might take would be:
1.) Research and decide on a diet plan.
2.) Find an accountability partner or a coach.
3.) Keep a journal of all the food you eat.
4.) Weigh weekly.
5.) Read motivational stories of others who have lost weight.
6.) Stick with your plan.
7.) Revaluate monthly.

I’m sure you have thought of even more ways that a one million dollar reward could get you started on one of your goals.  Thinking that way certainly helps you develop some clarity about what it is you would need to do.

Let me know if that imaginary one million dollar reward helps you refine what you want to accomplish and gives you some understanding about how you would do it.

Sign up to receive new blog posts directly to your inbox.  Just fill in your name and e-mail address in the gray box to the left and hit the "submit" button. You will then get an e-mail asking you to confirm your e-mail address.  Once you do that, you will be signed up to receive new blog posts.

© 2007-2015 Melinda Coker

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: “Melinda Coker, health coach and author of the book, Diet and Cancer: Is There a Connection?, teaches men and women around the world how to develop a healthy lifestyle.”

A Tribute to Blue

Our sweet, tired Blue wore completely out today.  When I took him out the back gate for his absolute favorite pastime in the whole world  - a walk – he just laid down and couldn’t get up.  Rick carried him to the car for a ride to the vet.

Blue was in “shock” and “dehydrated” so the vet kept him at the clinic so he could do some tests.  We were all hoping for a miracle.  After a couple of hours of tests, x-rays and fluids, Dr. Ramsey called to say there was nothing more to do.  The x-ray showed that his heart had shrunk and was unable to produce the blood volume he needed – possibly due to a tumor on his adrenal glands.

Rick and I went back to the clinic and loved on him as he breathed his final breath.

He was such a regal, beautiful dog.

It’s hard to believe he started out so tiny.  Here I am holding him at 3-weeks of age.

Our poodle, Pogo, sired two litters and we were awarded two pups in 2001 – Blue and his sister, Molly, who ultimately went to live with Candace.  Those two were best buddies and ran and played like crazy whenever they were together.

Sometimes to keep them quiet they were put in their pen.

Our dogs have always loved to travel and when in the car they are strapped in with their seat belt harnesses.

Blue was a member of a large “tribe” for awhile with Pogo, Molly and Doodle Bug.  As you can tell, walks could be quite exciting!

Halloween in Hollytree was always quite thrilling, with hundreds of trick-or-treaters.  So Pogo and Blue got dressed up each year and we all sat out on the porch with our treats.

Blue always had a special place in Logan’s heart and whenever Logan would visit, Blue was either in his lap or on his shoulders.

 Blue has also had his moment of fame when he was asked to be in a music video.  Stayton Bonner sings a song about his dog, Willie.  Unfortunately, Willie had died so Blue was asked to stand-in.  He did a great job and we should have gotten him his Screen Actors Guild card so he could have starred in more productions. ☺

A trip to the Circle Star Pet Resort was always a treat for Blue and Riley.

Bye, bye my beautiful boy.

RIP my sweet Blue and enjoy your new, energized body!

LET’S PLAY BALL!

Other Links:

Blue could HOWL with the best of them.  He hated for us to leave and he would howl to let us know.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QyhXOm3ULJg

He loved our feral cats and he and Socks would cause quite a ruckus.  Socks will certainly miss you, Blue.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DMoMZKxKS5k

Blue has slowly weaned Riley away from playing as he got sicker.  But, they did love to play while Blue felt good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXUOe7r0u4Y

The “Me and My Poodle” video by Stayton Bonner (Unfortunately, he took down Blue's video, but here is the song.)

Me and My Poodle song w/o video

  
http://www.yallwire.com/player/staytonbonnermeandmypoodle.html?detect_bitrate=_300


Blue
April 5, 2001 – July 19, 2013

Her Last 6 Months

How do I even begin?

I met Martha Belle approximately 40 years ago when we moved to her town.  She was my mother-in-law's first cousin - quite vivacious, glamorous and on her fourth marriage.  My husband and I were newly married, busy developing his professional practice and raising our family.  Martha and I saw each other infrequently at the beginning and then eventually lost touch.

One evening in March 2012, Martha called and asked to speak to my husband (her cousin and her dentist for all these years). She was frantic and crying, so he immediately went to her house.  She wanted him to write down names and phone numbers of her banker and attorney and pastor and her housekeeper.

Three days later on March 19th, he got a call at his office from a caseworker with the Texas department of Adult Protective Services saying they had taken Martha to a hospital in Kilgore (a town 30 miles away), but had left her dog (Precious) and the house key in her house.  They asked him to pick up the dog and lock up the house.

"Precious, meet your new housemate, Riley, the standard poodle."  Precious is a very high-strung dog and to this day will bark constantly whenever I take her in the car.

As I struggled to learn more about Martha's life and what had caused this emergency, I talked to the hospital social worker as well as her neighbors and the people my husband had written on his list during his last visit with her.

It seems that Martha had begun to develop Alzheimer's and was unable to live alone.  But because of her previously diagnosed mental illness (borderline personality disorder), she seemed incapable of having someone live with her and had fired all who had tried.  One former caretaker was worried enough about Martha's situation to call the State for help.

I finally understood about all the broken relationships in Martha's past after reading an article in the New York Times.  "Borderline patients seem to have no internal governor; they are capable of deep love and profound rage almost simultaneously. They are powerfully connected to the people close to them and terrified by the possibility of losing them — yet attack those people so unexpectedly that they often ensure the very abandonment they fear. When they want to hold, they claw instead."

During Martha's 3-week stay at the Kilgore hospital, her social worker kept in touch with me.  She told me that the doctor would only release her to a locked, memory-care facility when she was stabilized and ready to go home.

So, I began the task of finding a place for Martha to live.  As I called the people on her list to help out, most of them said that Martha had "fired" them or they had "fired" Martha.  Even her only son said he couldn't help as Martha would not want to see him.  It began to look like I was on my own, unless I also backed out and just let the State take care of her.  "If I can take care of stray dogs and feral cats, I can surely take care of a human being who has no other alternatives," I said to myself.

I found Martha a place to live - a brand new Memory Care facility that would allow her dog to live with her.  The Kilgore social worker said they would arrange to transport her there on the designated date.  I got busy, hired a mover, picked out clothes and cosmetics with the help of her former housekeeper and set up her new home. Because Martha had been a professional artist most of her life, I also hung some of her paintings.

Precious (her dog) and I went to Sundance early the morning of April 9th to await the arrival of Martha.  She finally arrived, in a wheelchair.  She knew me immediately and was extremely excited to finally see Precious again.  By the time we wheeled her from the courtyard into her new room, she burst into tears saying how beautiful everything was.  I eventually left, thinking her Kilgore social worker had explained everything to her, and that all worries were behind me.

No, that was not the case as my worries were just beginning.

Someone would have to pay her bills and make sure she had enough money to stay in this facility for a number of years.  There were prescriptions to be purchased, doctors to be found, hearing aids to be repaired, Precious to be taken to the vet because she had never been spayed and even pizza to be ordered when Martha didn't like the dinner she was served.

While Precious spent a week with me recuperating from her surgery, I went to Martha's house and packed up all of the accumulated mail and the piles of papers scattered over her kitchen table and took them home to sort.  I found her checkbook and wrote checks for any bills that were due and took them to her to sign.  I also took her a form to sign giving me the power-of-attorney.  She absolutely refused!

In fact, Martha started yelling at me and accusing me of trying to lock her up and take all of her money.  I can certainly understand how she felt that way.  There was no way I could explain the situation to her; she couldn't hear, she never stopped talking and telling me what was wrong and what she wanted, and she was confused.  There were many days that I certainly felt like "firing" her.

With all of the bills to be paid and the medical decisions to be made I talked to an attorney about the next step and was advised it would be a guardianship.  But the way it was explained to me, I would be expected to keep all kinds of records for the court and maybe I ought to think about hiring a "professional" guardian who was recommended by the attorney.

While I talked to people about having an estate sale and selling Martha's house, I did mundane tasks like trying to sort out all of her boxes of jewelry.  We started the paperwork for a guardianship which took three full months.  In the meantime, I was having to talk Martha into signing some checks or just writing checks out of my own account. 

Martha began to settle into her new home.  One day she would be on a tear and accuse everyone of conspiring to do evil things to her and her dog.  Other days she would be sweet and vivacious again.  She dressed up for a Mother's Day Tea.  I began to take her on outings which she thoroughly enjoyed.

Many days when I visited her there was a job involved - like the time she wanted me to use my "computer" (iPhone) to keep track of all her clothes because she was not getting them back from the laundry.  We spent the afternoon taking pictures of all of her clothes as she held them up for me.

Then one day the impossible happened - Martha had a major stroke as she was putting her make-up on for the day.  I got a call to meet the ambulance at the hospital.  It was Saturday, June 30, 2012.  Martha could no longer speak and her right side was paralyzed.  The next day she was able to hold a fork and feed herself.  We didn't know it then, but that was going to be her best day.  

From that time forward, I was with Martha once or twice a day.  She went from the hospital to Hospice.  Then she went from Hospice to a skilled (?) nursing facility where she quit eating and developed a blood clot in her lung.  Back to the hospital and then back for her final stay at Hospice.

Those final six weeks were so emotional.  Often, I took Precious to see her.  I would just sit with her and hold her hand.  Until the last couple of days, whenever I walked in and she saw me, her eyes lit up with joy.  That was the only way she could communicate - with her eyes and holding your hand.  I called her son and some of her "lost" friends to come and visit her.  She seemed to be so glad to see everyone.  At the end, even though she was in a Hospice facility, we hired 24/7 caretakers to sit with her.  The Hospice nurses only checked on her every 1-2 hours and I couldn't bear the thought of her dying alone. 

The morning she died (August 14, 2012) was such a relief as I knew she would no longer be suffering.

I did not understand the extent of my grief nor how long it would take to "get over" her death.  It really doesn't matter as each of us has to go through grief in our own way.

This week was Martha's Estate Sale (November 29, 2012).  When I drove up early that morning there were already dozens of cars parked on the side of the street.  Martha had a house full of beautiful things and those people were out to get a bargain.  

Most of them never knew Martha.  They didn't know she had lived a full 88 years with much sadness and hardship but also with much love.  They didn't know she was elected to be the first Drum Major of her high school band. They didn't know she sang in her high school choir which won the “All Texas Best Choral Club” award.  They didn't know she represented her small town in the “Miss Texas” contest for three years in a row.

They didn't know that Martha attended a summer art class in Taos, New Mexico, sponsored by the Hockaday School in Dallas before attending TCU in Fort Worth. They didn't know that while at TCU she was chosen “Ranch Week Queen” and studied art, mechanical engineering and draftsmanship.  They didn't know that during her time at TCU, she designed and etched the horned frog used to represent the school and was also awarded a “Teacher of Art Certificate.”

They didn't know that upon graduation, she was hired by Consolidated in Fort Worth where she designed manufacturing devices and components for military aircraft.  They didn't know that after the war, she opened her own art studio on McKinney Avenue in Dallas where she painted portraits of many prominent people. They didn't know she designed the program covers, posters and stationery for the State Fair Horse Show and the Dallas Charity Horse Shows for twenty-eight years.

As I walked through her familiar house at the sale, I found the perfect keepsake.  I purchased a beautiful ceramic planter for the plant I had from Martha's funeral.  Now I have two cheerful, living reminders of my deep friendship with Martha - a lovely green plant in a beautiful planter and a chipper little dog who has transferred all of her love and affection to me.

I needed to get this story out as the tears have been flowing for too long.  Maybe this will help me remember those good times and know that Martha had a good, exciting long life and now she is in that wonderful place she passionately dreamed of. 

RIP sweet Martha Belle.

You go girl!

Stella & Dot

According to their web site, Stella and Dot, an Inc. 500 Fastest-Growing Company, is a San Francisco based social selling company that creates flexible entrepreneurial opportunities for women. Their boutique-style jewelry and accessories line is available exclusively through in-home Trunk Shows by Independent Stylists and online. Their one-of-a-kind collections are designed by celebrated New York designers and featured in Gossip Girl, In Style and Lucky Magazine as well as on the wrists and necklines of today's hottest celebrities.

Why am I talking about this company?

Our connection was born at a women's conference in Dallas that my daughter and I attended.  It was there that we met Tysh, a successful Stella and Dot stylist.  She was fun and delightful and told us she would be near Tyler for Thanksgiving and would love to do a trunk show for us.  I thought it could be a fun way to entertain all of the relatives who were at my house, as well as those visiting my friends.  You know how you get tired of eating and fighting the crowds of Black Friday?  Well, join us and slow down for a while, visit friends, look at jewelry and shop for those gifts you still have to buy.

We all loved trying on the wonderful necklaces, bracelets and rings, looking in the mirror or just getting opinions from everyone else. 

We had a nice crowd and there was lots of laughter and excitement.  And, of course, my 8-year-old granddaughter thought it was truly magical!

Have you ever attended a Stella and Dot trunk show?  What did you think?  Post a comment and let me know.